Coincidentally, I have re-read this book during the same time that we have been studying 1st Corinthians. At the bible study class, I raised the difficulty of the first chapters of 1 Corinthians on the Apostle Paul's advice to shun the believer who indulges in sin. The standards that the Apostle Paul exhorts are extremely high and perhaps misapplied if taken too literally and without grace...I would much prefer Jesus' words...Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. Not necessarily condoning the sin but loving the weaker brother who perchance is not able to make it. I do not see much love in 'shunning'. This shunning business is indeed the central theme that is the subject of this book. Another theme is the hypocrisy of those who sometimes are vocal with executing the shunning.
The story is told in through the eyes of Naomi Nickel about the demise of her family...as lived in the first sixteen years of her life. Her family made up of her parents Gertrude & Raymond Nickel and her sister Natasha & herself falls apart. Naomi narrates the experiences through her own eyes, lest someone changes her understanding of events as they really happened...including, she realises that her mother has an affair with her teacher - an error of judgement because she does not even love him. The book is not linear and it goes back and forth as though remembering things as one would normally when recounting an experience. There are a lot of gaps because as a child you aren't told everything and you need to piece the events for yourself to make sense of them.
Although the book is about the claustrophobic environment that the Nickels struggled in and the difficult choices that they had to make or choices that were made for them, I could not help juxtaposing it with the life that we now live in. Sometimes our lives fall apart right before our eyes and there is nothing we can do to stop the melt down. In the work place, in our families, in our clans, in our different associations...the pressure to conform is great and woe upon the one who does not conform...but even those who conform do not really thrive. So it is kind of like being between a rock and a hard place. Either way you lose.
Of course the kindness is complicated because there is the expectation that shunning would lead the non conformist to reconsider and return to the straight and narrow. (I digress by mentioning that I was recently encouraged by a quote I came across: 'an opinion is not a crime'. It is my belief that in order for societies to thrive its members must be left free to have opinions and that expecting everybody to conform to a certain pattern or way of thinking is often self destructing.) Reading the book, I could not help wondering whether it is easier, as we tread upon this complicated world, to take the easier way and conform; pretend to conform or to go off on a tangent. Being a non-comformist oftentimes disturbs the subtle order but might be beneficial in the long run...although not always, because it leaves a lot of hurt in its wake...like it did in Naomi's (and Raymond's life). Afterall Socrates paid for his life for 'propagating the art of fallacious discourse' and disturbing the peace. Even a recent retrial, through a present & modern day enactment, did not lead to a unanimous acquital but more a hung jury. Had Galileo paid attention to the moral of Socrates story he might not have been charged with 'vehement suspision of heresy' by propagating that the sun stood firm and that the earth and other planets rotated around it...and lost his freedom and honour.
The book led me to thinking about semantics. Is a retreat a workshop or are they two different things? Reminds me of the famous saying that 'a rose by any other name is still a rose'.
I googled the author and wondered whether in effect, 'A complicated kindness' mirrors her own experiences given that she is a Mennonite. I also wondered about her religious order's comments on the book...would it lead her to being shunned and excommunicated? Or would they reflect on the impact that they have on its followers. I have never met a Mennonite but had the occasion to meet some Amish around the time I bought and first read the book.
I was drawn to the Nickel family and identified with their struggles. I would have wished that the book had happier memories and a happier ending and that the events weren't so tragic.
At least Raymond leaves Naomi a verse from Isaiah - For you shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you with singing, and all the trees in the field shall clap their hands. After all, we need some hope in life that things will be better.
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